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The Manly Man’s Guide to Surviving the Mega Sale Carnival

In Manly Man, Musings on July 14, 2011 at 11:19 pm

This is a guide for all men out there as we approach the dreaded Mega Sale Carnival.  Of course, it is meant for the times you have to accompany your girlfriend/wife/mom on a multiple hour shopping run, because men should have no problem surviving one hour or less of shopping.  If you can survive shopping more than one hour, this article is obviously not for you.  And you need to examine your manliness anyway.

After 9 years of suffering under the whip of my GF/Wife/Slavemaster, I’ve developed the TUV ASS methodology in facing the Mega Sale Carnival.

 

1.  T for training

If you are obese or overweight, you simply gotta lose those pounds.  Remember what I said about cardio before?  This is definitely where your running and Elliptical-ling will come in handy.  Practice walking, and stopping, and walking to the place you were before and stopping, and walking again without an exact destination for at least 2 hours non-stop.

Even better, put on a weight vest and carry a dumbbell while walking around, to practice the carrying of shopping bags.

Weight Vest - from newitts.com

Your minimum training to prepare lugging around her 10 pair of new jeans

 

2.  U for Understanding

One of the most important thing for you to do is to really understand the reason you are being dragged to the mall.  Because through understanding, come acceptance.

You gotta understand that for women, there is no objective to shopping, because shopping in itself is the objective!  This is as important to her emotional and spiritual well-being as you being allowed  to watch a football game at Pelita at 3 in the morning.

Understand and accept the fact that you will be out there following your women around aimlessly, sometimes doubling back to the store where she had just spent 1/2 hour without buying anything only to, again, not buy anything after trying seemingly everything.

She also won’t really realize you are around except when, yes, she just bought something and want to ask you to carry it.

 

3.  V for Visualization

Just like facing a big game, you have to employ the technique of visualization.  One day before the event, find a quiet place to visualize the challenge you will go through the next day.

Visualize yourself being relaxed and supportive throughout the shopping, and visualize yourself being gracious and giving helpful feedbacks.

Finally, visualize the reward you will be getting when you get back home for being such a good boy the whole day.

Yoga - from shareitfitness.wordpress.com

Mmmm... afternoon delights when we get back home

 

4.  A for Attitude

This is perhaps the most paramount item DURING the shopping walkabout: Leave your bad attitude at home.

Maintain a happy aura and keep your shopping-game face on (remember to smile) even though you can’t feel your leg anymore and your stomach is grumbling.  Do not even for one second show your true feelings.  If even once you let her see that split second of eye-rolling or hear that disgruntled grumbling, YOU WILL SUFFER.

SBOB - from gamesspongebob.org

How you should look like the entire time

 

Maintain your focus on her alone.  If you get caught oogling that cute salesgirl or that lady browsing for lingerie at La Senza, YOU WILL SUFFER.

Either she’ll cut the shopping short and you have to suffer the silent treatment the whole way home (or worse, the whole week), or she’ll ask you to go someplace else while she shop, and won’t take you shopping with her ever again.  Either way, YOU LOSE.

 

5.  S for Supplies

This advice can go to both men and women.  Bring tidbits.  Bring snacks.  Keep your energy and sugar level up to avoid being cranky and moody.  I’ve found Snickers or energy bars to be indispensable.

snickers - from blog.beba-anas.com

Snickers - Gets you going!

Drink plenty of water to hydrate, and to have an excuse to get that much-needed smoking break at the restroom.

Ladies, remember not to let your man go hungry.  As an example, after a vigorous 2 hours of shopping, my wife managed to make me survive 2 extra hours by treating (bribing) me to a Brownies with Ice Cream at Secret Recipe, and one cone of Chocotop right after.

 

6.  S for Safe Answers

Rehearse your list of safe answers.  If you accompany your woman alone, you will definitely be subjected to killer questions such as “Do you think this makes my ass looks fat?” or ” I think I’ve gained weight, don’t you think so?”.

Go for foolproof answers such as “No, I think it looks nice on you” or by perfecting the “Naahh that’s nice”.  “Nice” is nice, “nice” is safe.

Worst case scenario, she might probe further, and ask “What do you mean by that?”.  In that case, good luck buddy, I cannot help you there.  Different answers work on different women, I suppose.

 

My last advice is to make the trip a fun one for both of you.  God knows she tolerated all of your flaws and quirks, so be a man and do the right thing: embrace hers.

Or you can treat it as punishment for all the times you farted under the covers.

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