Firdaus Tarmizi

Archive for the ‘Confessions’ Category

True Story: Childhood Crimes Revealed (Part 2)

In Confessions, Family on December 28, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I nearly forgot to finish this 2-part series, and was reminded by a colleague who just read the first entry here, and urged me to list the rest of my “crimes”, saying that some of them sound familiar.  This gives me the suspicion that some people might have made the committed the same kind of mischieve when they are kids.  So, this continuation is also to shout out to all other ex-Menaces out there.

5.  The crime of cheating on homework.  Status:  Unknown.

For everyone, there are times when laziness creeps in, and you simply want to curl and do nothing.  But how do you want to do that when you have homework to do, and your mom and dad are strict enforcers?  Pretend to do your homework only when they are around?  Or try to bluff you way and tell them you do not have any HW on that day?

I did better (I think).  Putting my book in front of me on the table, I would invent random sentences and say them out loud, like “Kassim pergi ke surau menaiki motosikal barunya” or “Ahmad ada 30 biji limau, dan dia mahu bahagikan kepada 3 orang anaknya“, so on and so forth.  Of course, to do this you would need to know the pattern of how a question would normally sound, so as not to sound fake.

So, I was able to just shoot out these random sentences and my mom won’t come in the room to check up on me.  In the mean time, I would just stare out the window or finish up on my comic drawing.

Just make sure you don't overdo it.


6.  The crime of porn-burning.  Status:  I think my mom might have suspected something.

Ahhh, the early days of discovering the wonderful, sinful world of pornography.  I remembered that my first porn were introduced by a good friend.  He wanted to hide them because the teacher was suspicious and wanted to check his bag for contrabands, so he gave them to me because I was a prefect, and naturally I had the teacher’s full confidence.

I didn’t want to, but I had to bring them home, because of course, I could not betray a friend’s trust.  My heart was crying, and my hands were rebelling when I pulled them out of my bag as soon as I got back home and locked the door.  I just wanted to inspect them to make sure they were not torn or anything, you see.  They were printed on pieces of A4 paper, and I had to make sure they were safe.

After a few days, I didn’t get around to returning the items to my friend, and he also seemed to forget about them.  I got panicky each time my mom went in to clean up my room. I was sure she might discover the hidden treasure.  So at last I decided to get rid of them.  But how?  I can’t simply throw them away in the dustbin.  Stashes of paper might be easily discovered.

So I burned them.  In the kitchen sink.  Just a few minutes before my mom came back from school.  Yes, for some reason it seemed to be such a good idea at that time.  As soon as she came in the door, her sensitive nose brought her straight to the kitchen sink.  She called me over and asked “Yop bakar ape ni?”.  I simply said I was just playing and burning some paper for fun.  Surely she bought the excuse, right?  Right?

No One Must Know!


7. The crime of TV cooling.  Status:  Made to confess by dad.

This is a story well-known even to my extended family, as it had been retold by my father time and time again.

My sis and I were instructed not to watch the TV after school, maybe until we finish our homework.  Alas, the temptation to catch that 4:00 pm cartoon was too strong, and we succumbed a few times.  However, knowing that our father would be furious if/when he finds out (his method of finding out was by feeling the back of the TV to see if it’s hot or not), we decided to employ an ingenious method:  we tried to cool down the TV using a fan.

The result?  Well, when he came back that day, he went straightaway to the TV and felt the back as usual. Until now, I don’t know whether he knew we were guilty due to his sensitivity to heat (because I already made sure the TV was not even slightly warm), or simply because he could read the guilt on our faces like a book.

Either way, we were served a can of whoop-ass for dinner that night.  Sedap kan, Syitah?

When a normal beating just won't do!


8. Dish Washing Shuffle.  Status:  Plan Failed

This last one is not so much a crime, than an attempt at one.  But that in itself make it a crime of some sort, I suppose, because I am sure it had a bit of psychological impact on my poor sister.

The story is simple.  Similar to the bottle sharing plan devised by my father (in part one), my sister and I also had to share the task of washing the dishes.  I had to wash them on odd days, and my sister on the even days.

So me, being lazy and evil, simply tried to confound my sister (confundo!), telling her that SHE was the one supposed to wash the dishes on that day, which was an odd-numbered day.  I was sure my sister did not actually fell for that one, but I guess my confidence and stubbornness on sticking to my lies actually did confused her quite a bit.  Or maybe she was simply aghast with how stupid my plan was.

Anyway, I can’t really remember how this story ended.  I usually bury all the bad failure memories deep in my subconscious mind.  Maybe Syitah can shed some light on how this was resolved?


The end!


The Star Spangled Banner

In Confessions on August 3, 2011 at 10:49 pm

1.  Now here’s the thing about writing confessions.  There are always possibilities that it will make you unpopular.  After all, that’s the meaning of confessing in reality: it means you are telling people something you’d rather keep to yourself.  In this particular entry, I could even be arrested and be put in jail, if I am not careful.  But then again, some things just need to be said.

So, here goes nothing.

2.  My confession: one of the things that easily affect me emotionally is a soulful performance of a song.  And there are few songs that can move me to tears than a powerful rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner (SSB).  In my opinion, the US has, if not THE most, then one of the most beautiful national anthem in the world.  And trust me, I’ve done my homework by listening to nearly 20 national anthems.  Funnily enough, perhaps the only one that comes close, for me, to the awesomeness of Star-Spangled Banner is the national anthem of the former Soviet Russia.  National anthem cold war, perhaps?

3.  The reason I appreciate SSB is not just the melody and the lyrics, but more due to the freedom in which you can express the song.  Of course, there’s always the possibility of total devastation of the song, but when done perfectly, nothing comes close to SSB in stirring one’s patriotism.  High risk, high return, I would say.

Case in point:  this one here is the best version of SSB I’ve heard so far.  The best thing, of course, is how it was sung,  in their own way, by little girls with big hearts.  These girls can make a grown man cry, seriously.


4.  Closer to home, we have the Negaraku.  A song said to be taken from Terang Bulan (wrong), which controversially was said to copy Mamula Moon (it is actually the other way round).  It was stated in Malaysian constitution (Akta Lagu Kebangsaan 1968) that you can’t mock, revise, or change the rhythm of the song.  In other words, you can only sing the official version of the song.

Oddly enough, I’ve never really felt any emotional upheaval when I sing Negaraku.

You make your own conclusion, OK?

A Confession: My Love of PB

In Confessions on July 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm

1.  I would like to dedicate this post to one of my favorite things in life, the awesome, life-changing and magnificent PB.  Seriously, I think whoever invented PB is an unsung genius, who should be remembered until the end of time.  When I first encountered it, I use it nearly every day.  And even now, after being exposed to so many other alternatives, I still think PB is the best.  In fact, I know it is being used and popular in the Phillipines, North America, the Netherlands and the United Kingdom (from wikipedia).


These ladies are happy after discovering PB! Insyaallah, after trying it, you can be happy too!

2.  What’s not to like?  You can use PB with anything.  It is delicious, nutritious, and definitely versatile.   Recently, I even tried a new recipe : PB Chicken, and it tasted superb.

3.  And so, I dedicate this short and meaningful entry to one of my favorite item of all time:  peanut butter.


Ummmm Oishiiiii!


4.  Wait, what did you think I was writing about?

True Story: Childhood Crimes Revealed (Part 1)

In Confessions, Family on July 12, 2011 at 9:00 pm

I am going to do something seldom done by others:  I’m going to confess my childhood crimes.  Most of the items in this list is already known by my parents, and had been the hot topic of many embarrassing conversations.  But some, I think, might have been kept hidden all these years, until now.

1.  The crime of counting while playing congkak.  Status:  Stopped by angry cousins.

You guys know congkak, right?  Malay traditional game, played using marbles and a wooden board with holes?  Popularized through the inane Congkak ghost movie?  No?  Here is what it looks like:

Congkak - from

Kira kak jangan tak kira.

My alleged crime was cheating by counting the marbles, hence predicting where the last marble will land.  Honestly, up until now, I have no idea why counting while playing congkak is considered cheating.  Without counting, wouldn’t it be a game of mindless grabbing of marbles and putting them in holes?  Where’s the strategy and tactics in that?

Anyway, due to this “cheating”, I would win against my sister more often that not.  The counting is done silently in your head, but if caught by your opponents, they will of course cry foul and protest vehemently.

I only realized that my cheating was making me unpopular when I played against my cousins.  Unhappy with my cheating, they actually plotted together by stealing the marbles from my store, and silently adding them to my opponents’, bit by bit.  To make matters worse, I didn’t realize it was happening until one of them actually TOLD me at the end of the game that they have been counter-cheating me, maybe just to spite me.  Kids can be so cruel sometimes.

2. The crime of “bantal botol” stealing.  Status: Exposed by the victim (sister).

Bantal Botol - from

Have you seen one of these adorable pillows before?

Someone gave my sister a baby-bottle pillow.  Being the evil big brother, I demanded to have the pillow also.  To solve this conflict, my father set up a turn system so my sister and I will share the bottle.  Monday:  My turn, Tuesday:  Sister’s turn, Wednesday:  Back to me, so on and so forth.

One day, I tried to cheat the system.  Before going to bed, I quickly took the pillow and put in on my sister’s bed.  Why?  Yes, to give the impression that she had the bottle the night before.  So, I can have the bottle two nights in a row!

Too bad my sister was not easily fooled.  We fought long and hard into the night, with indignant tears on both sides (I was also a good child actor).

The week after that, I got my own baby-bottle pillow.  Win!

3.  The crime of emptying the bottled water.  Status:  Made to confess by father.

The incident was simple.  I had to bring a bottle of water every day to school.  I hated drinking plain water back then, as opposed to the chemical-laced, colored sugary water they sold at the canteen.

Since my father will check the bottle at the end of each day, I cooked up the brilliant idea of simply pouring out the water before my father picked me up.

I can’t remember who exposed this simple yet brilliant scheme, but I do remember the whacking I got that night.

4.  Cheating in performing the solat.  Status:  Unknown.

This is a bit embarrassing to recall.  I also hated performing the solat back when I was in primary school.  Not that I hated the actual doing of the solat, but it is just that I had so many things to do apart from praying.

So, each time when I was told to perform the solat, I will obediently go take the wudhu and waited for my parents to show up.  As soon as I can hear their footsteps, I will straightaway go to the last part of the solat, and acted as if I have just finished.

And when my sister and I had our own separate rooms, I started to lock the door when I performed the solat.  Knowing that my sister will sometimes peek under the door, I responded by putting the prayer mat so that anyone peeking could see me standing as if doing my prayers  on my side of the door, when I was actually reading my comic book.

Peeking under the door - from

Who does this, really? My sister, apparently.

So, what do you think?  Am I going to hell for these sins?  LOL

My Weaknesses

In Confessions on July 6, 2011 at 12:23 am
Weakness leads to strength

I have no idea what the picture means

As explained here, I’m writing this blog as a record of sorts, so that 10, 20 years from now, I can look back and see the person I was, and all the things I did that brought me to be the person I will be.  Totally hoping the past me will kowtow to the awesomeness of the future me.

So, I will start with getting to know myself a little bit better.

1.  My family and a few of my closest friends would know that my biggest weakness, apart from big ego, would be my utter lack of discipline.  I am known to be incapable of continuous effort, and had left countless projects hanging.  I hope The Lonely Goatherd won’t be one of them.

2.  My second biggest weakness is my overactive imagination, which leads to enthusiasm in coming up with new projects and starting.  This exacerbates weakness number 1, since I will be diverted to the new project halfway before the old project is done.

3.  My tendency to be verbose and long-winded, which might be evident already.  Will try to rectify them.

4.  Too caught up in analyzing all sides of the argument, which leads me to be undecided in a lot of issues.

5.  Liberal tendencies.  This will be explained in future posts.

Maybe my friends and families would like to add a few more to this list.  Come on, don’t be shy.  I know you want to.

I don’t know why I’m writing this so brazenly here, in the clear sight of all future employers and possible extra father in-laws.  In case they are reading: yes, I was just joking about everything here.  Especially about the big ego.  I am a kitten when it comes to a contest of wills.  If you disagree with this, then OK OK yes you a right.